First I want you to accept that this statement is possibly true and agree to believe this just while you read this article. You don’t have to agree, just give it room in your belief system for a short try out. I believe we are all sexual beings but many of us try to cover it up, or have forgotten just how sexual we are.
The sexual energy centre - you've got one too!
The Martial arts and many of the Eastern meditative practices, religions and medicine have long been aware of and harnessed the body’s energy centres. Most martial artists will spend a long time learning to centre their energy and focus because without that, all the techniques in the world won’t work.
How useful would it be if you could get just a little of the focus and centering they have, that would be quite nice wouldn’t it? Well you can.
One of the key energy centres is the hara. This is the centre of your life energy and also your sexual energy. It's about 2 –4 inches below your belly button or around that area, from the centre out to the sides. When you feel sexual desire for someone chances are you will have sensations here. When you focus your attention on this point and regulate your breathing, you become more solid, centred or whatever word you choose to use.
Breathing into your energy centre - in and out slowly
Find somewhere quiet to stand with your feet about six inches apart and locate the point. Some call it one-point as well as hara. There are many names for it. Your task is just to find it. Place your mental attention on this area of your body as you begin to breathe in and out slowly. Imagine the power rising from this point up your spine to the top of your head and returning down your back to between your legs and up to the hara again. This is your true personal power in action. This is powerful stuff. You can begin now. Do this often and become aware of feelings there and notice the difference. You are beginning to move your energy around your body and when you can link the sexual side of this energy and move that too, mmmm. It’s great! But more of that later.
“When passion burns within you remember that it was given to you for a
good purpose.” Old Hassidic saying
Sexual energy is one of the most powerful motivating forces in our life. We were designed to reproduce and the urge is genetically imprinted. As we evolve, we still have this primal driver but our urge to reproduce, whilst strong, is no longer the life and death matter it used to be. So what do we do with all this excess sexual energy? As well as enjoying wonderful soulful sex, we can learn to harness and use this motivational force in other areas of our life.
Regan hated ironing. When she learned to harness her sexual energy she discovered how to turn ironing into a very pleasurable task! Now Regan gets into her long black boots and not much else and irons on and on and on..
Dominic had a challenging time working with his managers. When he learned to see the world through rose coloured 'lips' his work took on a juicy dimension. By harnessing his sexual motivation and linking it to something he wanted to enjoy more, he learned to have almost as much fun at work as he does with his girlfriend!
You too can learn to harness your sexual energy and use it in all areas of your life. Think about it, you are harnessing your life force! We’ll be covering this in a later section.
My friend Karen says that sometimes she walks into a room and it's like she's been hit by a ‘wall of testosterone’. In fact she's closer to the truth than she realises. It’s usually coming from a certain type of man I know that feeling. Some men give it off and others don’t. So what’s the secret?
The primitive driver – me Mark, you Mandy
Let’s go back to the primitive beginnings of human beings. Women and men were programmed to fulfill certain roles. A man’s purpose was to spread his seed and a woman’s purpose was to find a man to impregnate her and take care of business while she nurtures the child. These are our primary drivers, because despite the passing of time, our bodies, reproductive and survival mechanisms are still organized in this way. It’s what some call the primitive urge. That’s why men do sometimes yearn to stray and women feel their biological clocks ticking.
Of course we are not our primitive ancestors; we have evolved with many more layers of sophistication cloaking our primitive sexuality. We sometimes forget we are still essentially sexual beings driven by primary urges.
Over the centuries, our brains have evolved and we have harnessed nature and technology to our will. Women defy nature by going out to work and men are not always the providers or towers of strength we expect them to be. Most of us are OK with this. I am a woman and I enjoy my career. I know other women who manage careers and children, although some complain that they can't give as much as they'd like to both. Many of my men friends are caring sharing new men. Some are much more blokey blokes. Some of my women friends are stay-at-home mothers. Today we have more choice in the role we play in a male/female relationship.
Did you know that in a survey of successful career women, scientists registered quite elevated levels of testosterone.
Men are experiencing lowered sperm counts as the water we recycle becomes more and more clogged with female hormones.
We are evolving all the time, and throughout it all, our link to our roots is evident in our ongoing desire to mate, copulate, have sex with another human being. Who we have it with and how we have it has changed, the desire remains the same.
Men that are instantly sexually attractive to women are generally giving out some very masculine vibes. This doesn’t mean that they are all 6ft muscle-bound animals. What they are giving out is confidence. When a man is confident and self assured, it means that he is OK with who he is. We emit chemicals all the time. The maleness of men is determined by testosterone levels. It is the male hormone, just as oestrogen is the female hormone. When
we are happy we emit different chemicals to those we emit when we are sad. When we are in touch with our sexuality we begin to emit more of our sexual chemicals.
We are also highly senseual beings able to pick up on these chemicals unconsciously. That’s why we say things like, I just felt right about him, he had a look about him, I liked the smell of him and even he’s very tasty. We are literally sensing this person’s confidence, using long dormant powers of sensory perception. We pick this stuff up with all our senses, not just our sight or touch. We smell, taste, touch, see and hear little signs, inaudible to our conscious mind. We put these signs together and get a feeling.. We often describe it in terms of the sense we use most to process the world.
The fact remains that we KNOW. That's why people say things like 'I just know'. We women have a perfect and very accurate male chemical sensor.
But this is just an initial thing. It's so important, but on it's own it is merely a trigger for lust and
some of us don't wait to find out more.. we plunge into lust.. driven by our primitive urges and hormones set a rocking by the input of male power.
Bad guy syndrome
This explains in part why women often fall for the ‘bad guys’. Bad guys are out there fully
believing in themselves and often ultra cocky. They strut their stuff, play with their mobile
phones, dangle their Porsche keys and emit vibe upon vibe of cocky confidence, and women
are unconsciously drawn to it just as ms peacock is drawn to the best display of feathers. When they talk they give off powerful sexual vibes. They never turn off their sexuality. In fact they rarely turn it down. And we are pulled by our primitive urges towards them. Women also take varying amounts of time to recognise this, see through it and dismiss it. Some do it instantly, others fall into the trap and take longer to extricate themselves.
You leak the truth from every pore
Men who aren’t confident in their own sexuality and maleness, on the other hand, are probably
inside their heads either playing the I’m a harmless man game, or worrying about whether a girl will fancy him, talking to himself, making terrible images of failure and all the while emitting those lack-of-confidence chemicals. We women can smell it a mile off. The man’s body language reflects how he is, even before his thoughts get more gloomy or hopeless or non-sexual.
When a man learns to be in touch with and accept and feel good about his masculinity and is comfortable with being a sexual being and doesn’t cut off his sexuality in order to appear less threatening to women, he will become attractive.
He will be emitting his own wall of testosterone. When he is like this surrounded by his maleness, and he knows how to make women feel good by genuine concern and interest not false flattery, we will sense his charisma and be drawn like a dog to a juicy steak. We smell the confidence, we feel the warmth, and if he can make us laugh on top of that we are guaranteed to melt..
Playing a waiting game or not
A friend told me recently about his first sexual encounter that nearly never was. He went back to this girl's place and decided to do the 'gentlemanly thing' by offering to sleep on the sofa. She sat next to him, put her arms around him and looked him straight in the eye. 'What's the problem' .. don't you want me?. Of course he did. He was prepared to wait and she had to give him a clear signal to go ahead. Luckily for him she was self-assured enough to ask him, otherwise he may have lost out.
A young friend recounted how he'd become friends with a woman and slept with her a couple of times, but not had sex. He thought to himself, I'll just play it cool for a while, and it'll build up slowly. The third time they got together it happened.
She may have needed to build up trust. Not all women or men come to relationships unscarred. Some have learnt to see them not as scars but as lessons. Others haven't yet. Sometimes women need to be given space to build up trust. Others are ready to go for it straight away.
Remember you have a choice. You can be honest and say how you feel, and also make it clear that you'll respect her wishes.
When you learn to get more in touch with your senses, as I describe in my book, Flirt Coach, you'll find it easier to sense sexual energy in the form of barriers or invitations.
The template factor
What also makes a man instantly attractive to a woman, provided he has the inner self confidence, is to what degree he fits her physical template for a man.
Let me explain. We all have a type even if we don’t know it and even if all the men we have
been with don’t fit the type. When I showed my mother a picture of my current man she said ‘oh that’s the Elvis look, you’ve always been attracted to that’. Indeed I had grieved much as a child knowing I could never marry Elvis Presley. He was my first love. I thought back to men I had really been instantly attracted to and all of them had this look. I had met other men who I had got to know and fallen for because of their many other attributes, but they hadn’t matched the template.
And even if they do match the template, I always have to find out more before I am totally sure of the attraction. It may only take a short conversation for me to know whether I could be attracted to this man, but the conversation bit is essential for me.
They may be from a completely alien world to me and just not my type! Or, they may be
someone who shows some interesting sparks beyond their looks and that's when I know I
want it to go further. Some people get primarily 'turned on' to someone else by a great voice, others are suckers for looks and some 'feel' an energy. We are all different and all process the world through a different combination of senses.
Jana has a penchant for men who are tall with long blond curly hair whilst Katriona goes for men who are stocky, dark and swarthyish. I am instantly attracted to men with lots of black hair, big lips, flared nostrils and blue eyes. These are just some of the multitude of individual physical templates women hold for men. Men have them too.
This is not a template about good looks. It is a template for a certain look which could just as easily be a short, slight man with a big nose as a stocky well built man with a shock of black hair. It is something that seems to have begun somewhere in childhood or even before and if you stop for a moment and think, you may begin to recognise instances of sameness in the types of people you have looked at and gone ‘wow’ [and we’re not just talking movie stars here!].
Just one thing
A 23 year old male friend works in a trendy London bar. He is a total woman magnet. The bar deliberately employs guys that are attractive and magnetic because they have a lot of early 20's very late teens, sophisticated women punters. This guy has enormous success with women. They flock round him. I thought I'd ask him what he finds attractive in a woman!
He said that she had to have one thing about her that would make him look twice. It could be her smile, her hair, the way she walks or her voice or great legs/face/body/whatever. That one thing will set him off and into action. Then she has to be interested in him and able to talk.
She wants me
A sophisticated, charismatic, good looking 44 yr-old male friend answered with a very long and inspiring list of thoughts. A little tongue in cheek, his mail began
"What I want in a woman is ... when I lift my right eyebrow, her nipples go hard as rocks.. and when I lift my left eyebrow, she creams her jeans.."
He wrote this with a wry humour, but the sense of it came from the male's deep primitive sexual origins. Nipples going hard and wet pussies are all signs of a woman's desire for a man. A man feels hot when a woman wants him.
You don't have to go to those extremes, yet [and how exciting will it be when you can maintain hot desire for your lover/partner just by thinking about it. [See generating sexual energy at will]. I really think that if a woman is interested in a man, she does have to show him. Men need reassurance too. They need to be wanted as much as we do.
Energy-dead vs energised
This guy also looks at the way a woman moves. Is she graceful and sylphlike in her
movements. He also notices when a woman is giving out the kind of energy he likes.
Once I pointed out a very slim, traditionally attractive, blond about 23 yrs old -she may have been a model because she was carrying a model's portfolio case. I said 'what about her'. He glanced, and glanced away 'No energy'. He was right, she was 'beautiful' but energetically
Another very earthy, attractive and sensual man said to me 'I like a woman to be in touch with her own body'. He also said he looked for 'that spark of energy'. This is a very kinesthetically oriented man. He sees but it is primarily translated in his feelings. He is attracted to the vibes, sparks and senses the energy of women.
Keeping the fire alight
How do you move? You know, I think the way someone moves is largely determined by the
way they are at that moment. When you are really feeling good, sparkly and being yourself,
you tend to change your posture and your whole physiology comes together to create a
special energy that flows from your pores.
When this energy goes out alongside your individual chemical messengers, someone who is a match for you will pick up on it. Doesn't it make sense to be like this more and more. You could meet a special person anywhere at any time.
Some heating systems rely on a boiler. The boiler roars into action when hot water is required and it subsides to the merest pilot light when it is not. If you have used one of these systems, you will know how important it is to keep the pilot light burning. Is your pilot light lit, or has it gone out. Time to relight the fire.
Getting to the core of you
Yes! It's time to relight your fire. What if you think it's never been lit. Oh yes it has. It was sparking once ready to roar into action and light up the world. When you were a tiny child, before you were filled full of toxic stories that dulled you like a piece of tarnished silver, you shone as only you can. You resonated your tune in harmony with the world. The good news is that like silver that has dulled, the tarnish can be removed to reveal the true beauty beneath - you, as you once were and can still be.
First and foremost it's useful and important to understand and accept that you are a sexual being. If you balk at that idea, how about trying it on just for now. You might like it! Your levels of desire and attitudes to sexuality may be very different to many other people. We have all been subject to stories of some kind that have tarnished our shining sexuality. Each person carries his or her portfolio of stories like dust that clogs the pores and impedes the smooth flow in you.
Let flow your fantasies and desires
You've had sexual desires and needs and sometimes you've fulfilled them either with yourself, or with a partner/s or in some dream or fantasy. These desires are part of your individual make up. There are only a few criteria that any desire or act must fulfill before it is acceptable.
1. It must not harm anyone against their will
2. It must be agreeable to all parties involved
3. It should be safe
4. If with another party, that party should be another human being over the age of consent. [i.e. sex with animals is not good, it's dangerous and not fair on the animal - animal sex should only take place in your fantasies]
Think about it... whatever you want is OK. And what you can't have with someone else, you can have in your dreams and fantasies if that quells the desire. You just have to indulge it or find a willing partner to indulge it with you.
Maurice came on my flirting workshop and learnt that it was OK to be into fetish. He went to a club, made new friends and now he has a girlfriend who is into the same sexual scene as he is. Great!
So, now that you know it's OK. You can let rip.
How to generate sexual energy
1. Lie down, sit or stand - it only matters that you are comfortable
2. Locate your hara point and focus your attention on it. Relax and inhale and exhale a few times until your breathing is slow and regular. Just let it happen.
3. Close your eyes if you wish.
4. Begin to think of the ultimate sexual fantasy that turns you on. If necessary, watch the porn, read the book, think the thoughts you need to in order to get the fantasy going
5. Notice where the feelings are in your body. Breathe as if you are moving those feelings up the front of your spine through the middle of your body, wafting past your heart and to the top of your head. As you breathe out, imagine the energy waving back down over the top of your head, down through the back of your spine to the hara point.
6. Loop the feelings round and round, while still maintaining the fantasy. Don't attempt to masturbate at this time. This is not about trying to reach orgasm. Just allow the sexual feelings to move around your body. Notice as they subside and continue to breathe.
8. Do this again, and again. What you are doing is generating sexual energy, but not using it to create orgasm. This energy is very empowering. The more you generate it on a daily basis, the more juiced up you are going to be for life.
9. If you feel so turned on that you have to do more, then practise what my friend Guy calls stop- start wanking / masturbating. Bring yourself to the brink as many times as possible, breathe the energy round your body and continue like this for as long as you are revelling in the great feelings.
10. Good.. this is very very good for you...you are building up your sexual energy... and it can be used for all sorts of wonderful things...