The primitive driver – me Mark, you Mandy
Let’s go back to the primitive beginnings of human beings. Women and men were programmed to fulfill certain roles. A man’s purpose was to spread his seed and a woman’s purpose was to find a man to impregnate her and take care of business while she nurtures the child. These are our primary drivers, because despite the passing of time, our bodies, reproductive and survival mechanisms are still organized in this way. It’s what some call the primitive urge. That’s why men do sometimes yearn to stray and women feel their biological clocks ticking.
Of course we are not our primitive ancestors; we have evolved with many more layers of sophistication cloaking our primitive sexuality. We sometimes forget we are still essentially sexual beings driven by primary urges.
Over the centuries, our brains have evolved and we have harnessed nature and technology to our will. Women defy nature by going out to work and men are not always the providers or towers of strength we expect them to be. Most of us are OK with this. I am a woman and I enjoy my career. I know other women who manage careers and children, although some complain that they can't give as much as they'd like to both. Many of my men friends are caring sharing new men. Some are much more blokey blokes. Some of my women friends are stay-at-home mothers. Today we have more choice in the role we play in a male/female relationship.
Did you know that in a survey of successful career women, scientists registered quite elevated levels of testosterone.
Men are experiencing lowered sperm counts as the water we recycle becomes more and more clogged with female hormones.
We are evolving all the time, and throughout it all, our link to our roots is evident in our ongoing desire to mate, copulate, have sex with another human being. Who we have it with and how we have it has changed, the desire remains the same.
Men that are instantly sexually attractive to women are generally giving out some very masculine vibes. This doesn’t mean that they are all 6ft muscle-bound animals. What they are giving out is confidence. When a man is confident and self assured, it means that he is OK with who he is. We emit chemicals all the time. The maleness of men is determined by testosterone levels. It is the male hormone, just as oestrogen is the female hormone. When
we are happy we emit different chemicals to those we emit when we are sad. When we are in touch with our sexuality we begin to emit more of our sexual chemicals.
We are also highly senseual beings able to pick up on these chemicals unconsciously. That’s why we say things like, I just felt right about him, he had a look about him, I liked the smell of him and even he’s very tasty. We are literally sensing this person’s confidence, using long dormant powers of sensory perception. We pick this stuff up with all our senses, not just our sight or touch. We smell, taste, touch, see and hear little signs, inaudible to our conscious mind. We put these signs together and get a feeling.. We often describe it in terms of the sense we use most to process the world.
But this is just an initial thing. It's so important, but on it's own it is merely a trigger for lust and
some of us don't wait to find out more.. we plunge into lust.. driven by our primitive urges and hormones set a rocking by the input of male power.
Bad guy syndrome
This explains in part why women often fall for the ‘bad guys’. Bad guys are out there fully
believing in themselves and often ultra cocky. They strut their stuff, play with their mobile
phones, dangle their Porsche keys and emit vibe upon vibe of cocky confidence, and women
are unconsciously drawn to it just as ms peacock is drawn to the best display of feathers. When they talk they give off powerful sexual vibes. They never turn off their sexuality. In fact they rarely turn it down. And we are pulled by our primitive urges towards them. Women also take varying amounts of time to recognise this, see through it and dismiss it. Some do it instantly, others fall into the trap and take longer to extricate themselves.
You leak the truth from every pore
Men who aren’t confident in their own sexuality and maleness, on the other hand, are probably
inside their heads either playing the I’m a harmless man game, or worrying about whether a girl will fancy him, talking to himself, making terrible images of failure and all the while emitting those lack-of-confidence chemicals. We women can smell it a mile off. The man’s body language reflects how he is, even before his thoughts get more gloomy or hopeless or non-sexual.
When a man learns to be in touch with and accept and feel good about his masculinity and is comfortable with being a sexual being and doesn’t cut off his sexuality in order to appear less threatening to women, he will become attractive.
He will be emitting his own wall of testosterone. When he is like this surrounded by his maleness, and he knows how to make women feel good by genuine concern and interest not false flattery, we will sense his charisma and be drawn like a dog to a juicy steak. We smell the confidence, we feel the warmth, and if he can make us laugh on top of that we are guaranteed to melt...
A friend told me recently about his first sexual encounter that nearly never was. He went back to this girl's place and decided to do the 'gentlemanly thing' by offering to sleep on the sofa. She sat next to him, put her arms around him and looked him straight in the eye. 'What's the problem' .. don't you want me?. Of course he did. He was prepared to wait and she had to give him a clear signal to go ahead. Luckily for him she was self-assured enough to ask him, otherwise he may have lost out.
A young friend recounted how he'd become friends with a woman and slept with her a couple of times, but not had sex. He thought to himself, I'll just play it cool for a while, and it'll build up slowly. The third time they got together it happened.
She may have needed to build up trust. Not all women or men come to relationships unscarred. Some have learnt to see them not as scars but as lessons. Others haven't yet. Sometimes women need to be given space to build up trust. Others are ready to go for it straight away.
Remember you have a choice. You can be honest and say how you feel, and also make it clear that you'll respect her wishes.
When you learn to get more in touch with your senses, as I describe in my book, Flirt Coach, you'll find it easier to sense sexual energy in the form of barriers or invitations.
The template factor
What also makes a man instantly attractive to a woman, provided he has the inner self confidence, is to what degree he fits her physical template for a man.
Let me explain. We all have a type even if we don’t know it and even if all the men we have
been with don’t fit the type. When I showed my mother a picture of my current man she said ‘oh that’s the Elvis look, you’ve always been attracted to that’. Indeed I had grieved much as a child knowing I could never marry Elvis Presley. He was my first love. I thought back to men I had really been instantly attracted to and all of them had this look. I had met other men who I had got to know and fallen for because of their many other attributes, but they hadn’t matched the template.
And even if they do match the template, I always have to find out more before I am totally sure of the attraction. It may only take a short conversation for me to know whether I could be attracted to this man, but the conversation bit is essential for me.
They may be from a completely alien world to me and just not my type! Or, they may be
someone who shows some interesting sparks beyond their looks and that's when I know I
want it to go further. Some people get primarily 'turned on' to someone else by a great voice, others are suckers for looks and some 'feel' an energy. We are all different and all process the world through a different combination of senses.
Jana has a penchant for men who are tall with long blond curly hair whilst Katriona goes for men who are stocky, dark and swarthyish. I am instantly attracted to men with lots of black hair, big lips, flared nostrils and blue eyes. These are just some of the multitude of individual physical templates women hold for men. Men have them too.
This is not a template about good looks. It is a template for a certain look which could just as easily be a short, slight man with a big nose as a stocky well built man with a shock of black hair. It is something that seems to have begun somewhere in childhood or even before and if you stop for a moment and think, you may begin to recognise instances of sameness in the types of people you have looked at and gone ‘wow’ [and we’re not just talking movie stars here!].